To my beautiful daughter, on her due date: Olly olly oxen free! But seriously, come on out. I'm getting really tired of this game.
Love always, Your Very Patient Mother
You may have noticed that the baby countdown says 0. You may have also noticed that there is no baby.
Well, the latest report is that I am no further in progression than I was two weeks ago. On Thursday I saw the midwife and got another appointment - the dreaded "41 weeks" visit.
As we were walking out the door, she cheerfully said "I really don't think I'll be seeing you here next week, though."
Later, in the car, husband said, "She said she didn't think you'd be coming back next week!" I said, "Of course she didn't. Do you think she has a death wish? She sees pregnant women all day, every day. There is no way she's going to tell me that I'm for sure going to be here next week. She knows better than that."
At least I'm not feeling it physically. A friend of mine has been to the hospital several times this past week and just keeps having to go home and wait . . . in extreme pain. I'm just sitting around the house, a nervous wreck, afraid to answer the phone and tell whoeveritis that I'm still as pregnant as ever because I'll likely start to cry. Severe emotional distress doesn't hold a candle to days and days of unproductive contractions.
I did try to make myself feel better by reminding myself that the first due date I had was for February 26th . . . yeah, it didn't work.
The good news is this: there is an official end date in sight. If I do make it until next Thursday, they'll have me go in for induction early Friday morning. Despite the fun I'm having pacing around the house day and night, it's nice to know that it is almost over - one way or another.
If I do have to go back next week, do you think there's a chance I won't have to have my weight checked? That's the part I really can't take again. I'd rather not know what a week of anxiously eating M&Ms weighs.
. . . that I would have a baby and just NOT MENTION IT?
"Did I what? Give birth? Oh yeah, that."
Let's quit with the "So, no baby?" "I see you're still pregnant." and "Any news?" stuff.
Believe me. If I had just gone through the most intense physical and emotional experience of my life, you'd know.
She's not even late (yet).
Also, I haven't somehow forgotten that there is still a baby in my belly. I only notice every time I breathe. You can stop reminding me.
(This is not addressed to anyone in particular and I think I'm allowed at least one outburst as a pregnant woman, right?)
Okay, now that the emotions have run rampant, this is what I look like:
Well, at least that's what I looked like four days ago. I'm bigger than that now. So what if I'm probably wearing that same outfit?
On a happier note, husband has recently decided to play blog. He says it is the perfect "man blog" and I agree. It's still in the opening stages, of course, but feel free to check out Microwave Jackson. Oh, and the trailer might be a little graphic and probably contains some strong language. It's a war thing.
Today in church, the teacher asked us: "What are some benefits that come from being a member of the church?" To which I responded immediately (and only loud enough for husband to hear): "Dinners. Yummy dinners." Of course, at the same time someone else said something like: "Peace and eternal life." Husband shook his head and told me I needed to get my thoughts on that level.
I don't take it back. Dinners from the Relief Society might just be my favorite benefit of membership. I know husband feels the same way. He asked me just the other day if we could call up a sister in the ward and tell her weren't doing very well. He wants more delicious pot roast.
Also, there is a ward social the same day the baby is due. If she isn't here, I'll be there getting my fill of southern cooking. There's a macaroni and cheese contest and everything.
See what I mean? Dinner wins.
On a somewhat related note: If anybody wants to make a very selfish little prayer for me, you can pray that I have another Valentine to love by the end of the night. Or I can wait another . . . however long until she decides to get here. Blah.
(If you want some pictures, see my previous post.)
I started writing a post yesterday, but then I stopped. The world went a little upside down. I just couldn't keep going with what I had written but I couldn't really put anything else there either. Nothing was quite right.
Yesterday morning my sister called me in tears to tell me that my aunt had passed away. My dad's sister. She's only ten months older than he is.
She had lived with severe physical and emotional pain for a long time.
On both sides, my family tends to live a while. My little girl will have two great-great grandmothers when she is born, one on each side. Usually, when we've dealt with death, it has been pretty expected. It doesn't make it any less sad, but I think helps the healing process when it feels like it was "time." This doesn't feel real. It registers in my mind, but not really in my heart and soul.
It's especially hard to be so far away from my family right now. They'll round up the wagons and get through this storm together. Sometimes I feel like the only one who isn't there and that makes me sad. Emotionally, I can get that support wherever I am. However, I really want to be physically near those people who are so close to my heart. You know, get some good hugs. Stuff like that.
It's also very strange for me to think about death with this life inside of me, ready to make her debut any day. I can feel her moving. Hiccuping. I know when she's sleeping. As for putting emotions into words, I'm not sure what to say.
The entire day was bizarre yesterday. We got a rare snowstorm - a few inches. We didn't lose power this year but it was still pretty crazy outside. We spent a good amount of time watching people try to make their way up the small hill in front of our house. It took Judge a minute to remember snow. He spent the first couple of hours barking at it, then it started sticking. Pretty soon he was hopping around and making designs in the yard.
Yesterday was like a really strange dream. I'm just thinking a lot about the comings and goings of life. I hope that makes sense.
I can count the days until she's due on my fingers. I know, I know, it could be shorter and it could be longer than 10. Still, it seems like just yesterday when I thought "2010 is really far away. My baby will be born in another decade."
Now, in just a little over a week, it will be that day that seemed like it would never come. In the wise words of the husband: "Big lifestyle change coming any minute!"
Thought: I might be really bad at discipline. Right now I'm keeping Judge in doggie time out and it's way more annoying for me than it is for him. Also, how do I keep from smiling/laughing/giggling/tittering when I'm trying to set a child straight?! Oh dear, I'm feeling like a failure already.
I am becoming a real "mom" in some ways, such as washing out every empty container to reuse later. Then again, I'm really becoming my dad when I do that stuff. I haven't started saving cardboard or tin cans, though. Still (mostly) normal.
Thought: I don't have a doppelganger, Facebook. People always tell me I look like celebrities but none of them are ever the same one. I've gotten Winona Ryder, Melissa Joan Hart, Bjork - all over the map. One time, in Vegas, a drunk guy asked me to pose in a picture with him because he thought I was on America's Next Top Model. (I know. Those must have been some strong drinks). That doesn't count as a doppelganger, though.
So far, this is the only picture that even remotely captures the lopsided belly. It's hard to show a skiwampus bump in two dimensions. She's all lumped up on the left side of the picture. Can you even tell? Maybe I'm the only one who can see it because I know where to look.
Thought: I think I waste a lot of gas. Okay, I know I do. I will drive much farther out of the way to go to the "other" grocery store or the "other" WalMart. It isn't for lower prices or anything like that. It is for the less crowded parking lots or because it is "the one that still has self-checkout" or maybe I just like the layout better. That is so not green.
What would you do if you had this face staring at you every time you ate anything? Could you watch his sad eyes follow each bite from your plate to your mouth and not want to give him some? Doesn't he look like he is patiently starving?
Okay, last thought, I promise: I really should have taken a Sunday nap today. My brain might still be working and I would have saved everyone from this ridiculousness!
When it rains, our yard turns into one gigantic puddle. Sometimes there is even a small river that flows right through the middle of it. (It is really hard to take a good picture of this without getting extremely wet and cold). I keep a towel by the door for Judge. When he comes inside, I have to rub him down and wipe his muddy paws. If I don't, I will find a muddy trail on my bedspread. That trail always leads straight to a nest in the middle of our pillows.
Sometimes I think that Judge has been training for children. I'm sure he's much quieter and less demanding, but I'm already used to cleaning up bodily fluids and figuring out which little dances mean "potty" and which looks mean "hungry." I'm also used to toys being scattered all over the house. Husband and I are even pretty good at working together on discipline issues. We're definitely not pros (guess who crawls into bed with us every night?) but I'm sure that the practice hasn't hurt.
Anyway, it is raining today. A lot. It's a good thing Judge had a really nice day before the rain started. He had a long walk, played outside, explored the yard and even had a playdate in the evening! Hopefully it keeps the cabin fever at bay for a little while.
My cabin fever isn't too bad, either. I'm trying to stay busy. I was left home alone last night with no candy, so I had to make these:
Today I'll hopefully sew and read. I say hopefully because I have had a pretty persistent headache for past few days and Tylenol isn't cutting it. Cola helps a little. Don't worry, I had my 38 week checkup yesterday and the headache isn't anything to be alarmed about. Everything is looking really great and I'm on the right track. If you want some stats, keep reading. If you'd rather not know the personal details, I'll leave you here with my lazy boy in his La-Z-Boy. :)
I'm at a 1 and 50% effaced. I'm not making any predictions or getting anxious, though. I'm just really interested in knowing what is going on in there. They told me she'll probably be pretty small, maybe not even 7 lbs. I have the option of having my membranes stripped next week. We'll see how things go. I have plenty of other fun things to do for the next couple of weeks. She can hang on for a little while if she wants. Valentines Day wouldn't be too early, nudge nudge.
Here's me, wearing the same shirt just a little under a year ago:
It's hard to capture it in a picture, but my belly is really lopsided today. She has her back all squashed up on one side and I literally can't sit straight. I'm going to be 38 weeks tomorrow. Don't worry, we still have a lot of things to keep us busy if she decides to camp out in there for a while.
I am looking forward to a few things, though.
1 - Bending over. 2 - Laying flat on my back and still being able to breathe. 3 - Possibly drinking a giant Juiced Rockstar. 4 - Wearing regular clothes. 5 - Having enough strength to open jars and enough energy to vacuum one room without getting winded. 6 - Eating without getting heartburn (hopefully). 7 - Stretching my back really, really well. 8 - Sleeping or reading in whatever position I want. 9 - Getting out of bed or a soft chair in just one movement (instead of a whole two minutes worth of repositioning).
10 - Having a cute baby instead of constant kicks in the ribcage! Things I'm not looking forward to: The return of my period, feeling even more emotionally-wrecked than I already do and trying to keep Judge from eating all the dirty diapers.
I saw this challenge (in response to this challenge) and thought I might as well accept. Post a picture that describes my life right now. I'm not normally one to "take on challenges" or that kind of thing, but this one was so easy. It did, however, take me all weekend to post it because I was busy trying to organize a mountain of baby items.
Here it is, my life:
Saturday I had an absolutely lovely baby shower. This picture of a heap of pink tissue and gorgeous baby things says a lot but you might not be able to see it.
It shows how amazing people can be. I admit that moving here has been more difficult than I thought it would be. More often than not, I have been awkward, sulky, shy, standoffish and/or reclusive. However, there have still been so many people who are willing to be supportive of and excited for our little family. I am so undeserving of all of the love and care that we receive - much less the beautiful party and gifts!
It also shows how quickly my life has changed/is changing. A few months ago, I had never really stepped foot in the baby section of any store. I didn't even know most of these newfangled baby contraptions existed. Travel systems? Diaper genies? Huh? Any day now, there will be a new little person. She's going to wear all of those tiny outfits and poop in all those diapers and splash around with all those bath toys. I couldn't be more thrilled! Well, to be perfectly honest, I couldn't feel a wider array of emotions than I'm feeling right now.
It also reminds me how much work I still have to do before this baby comes. Where is all of her stuff going to live?! I'm ready for her, but I don't think I'm ready for her things.
This picture also describes my life right now:
My mother-in-law suggested we take the leftover baby shower cake to stake conference and try give it away. At the time, I thought "I can finish that off." I have been working 'round the clock on it. Eventually, I might have to give up on the the actual cake part. I'll just resort to my five-year-old self and eat all the icing with my fingers. Mmmmmmm. Are mommies allowed to do things like that?