tiny dancer.

ellie had her first dance recital on saturday.

it was amazing.

we started the class because of a great (really great) deal on groupon. i wasn't quite sure if we were going to keep going, honestly. ellie had a really hard time listening some days, but she is only three so that's expected. also, we had paid for 10 classes so we were going to do those 10 classes (darn it!). by that point, ellie would be so excited for class and cry all day monday until it was time to go. i knew she was learning, too, because she was using french words and doing moves that i certainly hadn't taught her. 

ellie's sweet teacher was so patient. it couldn't have been easy,  especially since they started with 10 girls under the age of 4. ellie even got kicked out of class one day because of her crazy antics. by the end there were only three and it got easier for the girls and their teacher.

three of my favorite moments from class: 

1. miss s kept telling the girls to "glue their feet to the floor" or something. ellie didn't like that at all. she refused to dance and i finally went in and asked her what was wrong. she told me something about gluing her feet to the floor and i told her that the teacher didn't really mean it, that it was just pretend. i said there was no glue, it wasn't real. so when ellie went back into class she marched straight up to miss s and yelled "you don't even have any glue!" and then went back to dancing. 

2. one afternoon the girls wouldn't get off the floor. they told miss s that they were snakes. luckily, it was toward the last few weeks of class and miss s had figured out how to deal with these little girls. "okay then," she said, "i need you all to slither over here for me, please."

3. during stretches, i would always see ellie rolling around on the floor instead of stretching. i couldn't understand why she wouldn't do it, since she was always doing her stretches at home. then i listened to the music - it was from the little mermaid. ellie was "swimming" on the floor instead of stretching. 

so i have a video from the dress rehearsal. it's better than the actual recital, i guess, because the poor little girl in the middle ended up having a meltdown on stage and the director of the studio came out to dance with the girls. ellie finished the routine pretty gracefully, but it was sad to watch the other girl. she was the one who had been the best in practice! ellie loved being onstage in a real theater. she literally screamed the whole way home from the dress rehearsal because she wanted me to take her back to the stage. when the audience clapped for them during the recital she was beaming! when they came to take a bow you would have thought the whole show was about her, the way she hammed it up. this isn't the last we've seen of our little ballerina. 

ellie's the one closest to the dance teacher, but you'll probably pick her out no problem. 

and by the way, am i not so blessed to have not one but TWO beautiful girls? 

look at poppy waiting outside for the show to start. my little dolly (and her daddy).

mother's day weekend (one week later...)

we had a really fun weekend. we took the girls camping (for the first time!) with a big group from church on friday night and we were able to play and eat with family saturday & sunday. 

and here are some pretty good quotes:

when it was time to get ready for bed while camping, i took the girls to van to change clothes. they both got right in their carseats and ellie said, "mom, it's time to go home and sleep in our nice, cozy, warm beds." it took a little while to get her used to the idea of sleeping in the tent, but she didn't scream or cry. she was just nervous. once they fell asleep, both girls slept all night just fine. 

we woke up to some noisy geese in the morning. poppy stood up at the tent door with sleepy eyes and looked confused. "do you hear those geese?" i asked. "uh-huh," she said. then she gasped with her mouth open wide, rubbed her eyes and said, "wha happen?!" 

baby hangover i guess?

on saturday we asked ellie what grammie might want for mother's day. after some thought, she said: "we need to go to target and get grammie a little merida." 

(a little princess doll from the movie brave.)

at the store we double-checked to make sure that was what she wanted to buy, and she said "grammie needs this merida! she told me!"

on mother's day, ellie told me she wanted to have "a mother's day, too."

grammie got some beautiful bracelets for the girls, but when she gave one to ellie,  ellie said,

"i'm not going to wear that. sorry." 

it was so matter-of-fact we all had to laugh. 

and on the way home sunday night, she started talking to daddy about his mustache that he shaved off last week. first i should mention that ellie liked it so much that she wanted one, too. i told her that girls don't have mustaches, they try to get rid of them. anyway.

ellie: "daddy, i miss your mustache."

daddy: "oh really, did you like it?"

ellie: "yes! grow it again! grow it back!"

daddy: "maybe i can work on that."

ellie: "daddy, are you a girl now? you don't have a mustache anymore so you're a girl. girls don't have mustaches."

daddy: "well, they don't like to have them."

ellie, truly concerned: "daddy, are you going to start dressing like a girl now?"

so there you have it. glimpses at our weekend.

my girls eating watermelon with their adorable cousin on mother's day. 

(it's warm enough to eat watermelon outside!)

above all i got to enjoy time with some of the people i love most, which is what mother's day was about for me this year. it isn't just about honoring mothers and what they do, it's recognizing that we are all here because of (and some in spite of) our mothers. it's truly one of the few things that all people have in common, along with breathing air and feeling love. the women in our lives are key to our human experience. we are who we are because of the people around us. my mother brought me into this world and allowed me to be her daughter. my family allowed me to be a sister, a granddaughter, a cousin, a niece. my children allow me to be a mother. my husband allows me to be a wife. they allow me these experiences and it is up to me to learn, grow, and love as much as i can from them. 

thank you to all the people who continue to be part of my life, my experience. 

you mean more to me than you can ever know. 

thank you notes.

remember when i did these before?

i just like 'em. so i'm doing them again. with some totally random pictures throughout.

thank you, hanging basket, 

for keeping my apples free from bruises and tiny teeth marks. it was starting to seem like there were giant fruit bats secretly living in my house.


thank you, target, 

for providing what i like to call "the rollercoaster cart" for my children. sure, it's like navigating a big rig through downtown atlanta, but being able to strap my kids in with those five-point harnesses and stuff their mouths with popcorn and pretzels while i peruse all your junk without fear of them climbing out and breaking something/themselves is totally worth it. someone even said my children were "very well behaved" during our last outing, and we all know that isn't usually the truth.

thank you, garage door opener, 

for allowing me to get my groceries and children and all of their stuff into the house with so much ease and without getting as wet when it rains. i also enjoy not having to drag yucky garbage bags through the house to get them to the can.

thank you, new oven, 

you may have a ghetto setup but you were so cheap and the opportunity to buy you from friends (oh my gosh, thank you for having this sitting on your carport!) couldn't have come at a better time. best of all, you work!!! having an actual working oven for the first time in over a year is priceless. bread! donuts! a 9 x 13 pan! a whole bag of chicken nuggets cooked all at the same time! i mean, i did have pretty mad skillz when it came to working with that tiny convection oven but i was unfulfilled. did i mention that you have FOUR working burners on top? that's twice as many as i had previously been using. it's bliss. ah, the little things.

and thank you a million times, husband, 

for installing aforementioned garage door opener and oven and changing my life twice in one month.

p.s. -
again, i like jimmy fallon.
funny story: ellie always thinks that they are announcing "jimmyyyyyy fowler!" (aka her daddy) every time we watch clips of it. she may think that her dad is a late night talk show host.

if you haven't seen this chickeneers clip:

you should watch it. seriously, he is the most good-natured late night host there is.
and if it doesn't make you smile, you might need to see a brain doctor.

best friends.

we split the two girls into separate rooms several weeks back, hoping it would help them sleep 

(help US sleep) (help ME sleep). 

it helped ellie the most, but she was also adjusting to life without naps and, later, without paci. poppy... not so much. she woke screaming in the night, "mommy! mommy!" and would cry "no! no! no!" every time i put her in bed. i would rock her, i would let her fall asleep on the couch and stealthily switch her to her bed, but without fail she would wake up again screaming - and usually just a few minutes after i had fallen into a deep sleep. do you know what that is like? you know, you wake up nauseous and angry and confused and dizzy? it's terrible. it was terrible for everyone, except ellie. 

(around midnight the cuteness wears off)

so the husband went out of town for a few days last week for some business training and i decided to put them back in the same room. i figured at least they wouldn't be waking him up if they didn't sleep well during the experiment (he wakes up really early for work, at least i have chance to try and sleep in a little). i thought i was probably/most likely crazy, but i was willing to try it. 

you know what? it has been working. like a dream. remember sleeping long enough to dream? ha. 

the time apart was probably a good break, but they need each other. the first couple nights, poppy fussed a little but when she saw that ellie was there she settled right down and went to sleep. and slept. all night. one night ellie fell asleep before poppy did and all i had to do was show poppy that her big sister was asleep and she was satisfied. not one tear that night. she even woke up in the night and went back to sleep because ellie was there! 

now they still don't always stay in bed all night, but there is so much less screaming. little to no screaming, in fact. and even though most nights one or both girls end up in bed with us for a little while, lately they both cuddle back to sleep so i don't mind. 

yesterday, poppy was in bed with me and we heard ellie wake up across the hall. 

"poppy? poppy? where did you go?"

poppy perked up immediately. "ay-eee! ay-eee!"

"do you want to go get her?" i asked. 

poppy nodded, and i helped her scramble down from my bed. 

they each opened their doors and met in the hallway.

"hey!" ellie said.

"hey!" poppy said. 

and they ran down the hall together to play. 

i told the husband that adorable story and he said:

"we've done the greatest thing we could do, we've created best friends for life."

he's right. 

there is nothing more special than those two and their love for each other

(even if they don't always remember that they are best friends).

best friends forever. 

love monsters.

man, do these girls give me a hard time.

we had a rough experience at the grocery store the other day. it was mostly my fault, because i took them to a somewhat inappropriate grocery store (one that doesn't furnish double-seater shopping carts, one where you bag your own groceries) and it was cutting it pretty close to nap time. then i decided to try and buy a super cheap steal of a wagon and it was in a gigantic box, so i was pushing the cart and balancing the box on top while holding a squirming poppy and trying to keep ellie from running wild through the store... it was possibly the longest thirty minutes of my life since childbirth.

and we ended up spending almost as long in the parking lot just making sure everyone had clean drawers and the groceries were loaded carefully and the massive box was squeezed in there somehow. i am not above bribes, so when we finally pulled out of the parking lot they were both happily making a mess of some soft sugar cookies. poppy finished hers quickly and then fell asleep, covered in sprinkles and frosting.

we got home and i was exhausted, but i still had to unload all the groceries and put them away while the girls napped and snuggled. there are no naps for me these days and i was looking forward to an evening of forcing them to eat delicious, healthy food (or giving in to the demands for pb&js) followed by grumpiness and screaming from two kids that sure seem to hate to sleep at night. daunting.

we have lots of evenings like that and lots of long, long nights. i know it's part of the gig, but it does get old sometimes.

and then they pull stuff like this:

that's right, a calm moment during bedtime that was not prompted by me and not involving the (marvelous, magical) television. i caught ellie reading poppy her favorite book. poppy was making all the animal noises and ellie was remembering the words the best she could (she remembers them pretty well).

oh, my heart.

they can spend all day biting and smacking each other, throwing dirt from the potted plants on the floor,   screaming outside the bathroom door while i shower, having tantrums in public places and then, for about five minutes, they can be the sweetest little girls you've ever seen.

i love these little monsters all day long, even when they are genuinely being monsters.

(and i may love them a little extra when they are sleeping. shhh.)

(p.s. - dear poppy's hair: feel free to show up any time now. i think we've waited long enough.)

goodbye, old friend.

last night, we said goodbye to an old friend.
someone who had been with us since the beginning.
someone beloved by all in this house.

ellie, one year old

paci.

we had tried a few times before to let it go, but it was just too difficult (and nobody was getting any sleep). it helped her through the change from crib to bed. there was a new baby and then she was potty training and i kept thinking "after the next transition, then we can be done."

poppy never did care about a pacifier. once in a while she will take one and kind of chew on it, but i think that has more to do with teething than anything. however, poppy knows all too well about paci. it was one of her first words because of ellie. poppy would bring the prized possession to her sister lovingly, saying "patchi, patchi!"

newborn ellie

for ellie it was different... for ellie it was love at first sight. i remember when she was brand new and we spent hours holding that thing in her mouth because she would scream without it. it was huge, almost as big as her face. i remember how we celebrated when she could keep it her mouth, and when she could put it in herself it was heaven. how many times in the past three years have i gotten up in the middle of the night to search for it while she cried in bed? how many times have i pulled it out from between the mattress and the wall or rescued it from deep under the bed? probably millions. and how many have we gone through because she preferred only the one kind? it was the bounciest kind of all; always rolling far away at the worst moments, sometimes never to be seen again.

she turned three. it seemed like she was just getting more and more attached. she would try to convince me she was tired just so she could have it. she would spot it on the counter, climb up and snatch it and hide with it. sometimes at night she would sleep with one in her mouth and another in her hand. love, i tell you.

then we went to target yesterday. we walked through the aisles of toys and she pointed out all the ones she wanted, which included almost everything - from dolls to dump trucks. after hearing ideas/stories from some friends, i decided to ask her the big question.
"ellie, would you like to come pick a toy from this store?"
"yes!" (duh, obviously, of course)
"well, i was thinking we could go home and get your paci and then we could bring it here and trade it for a toy here. would you want to do that?"
"yes!"
"are you sure? because when we leave it here we will never, ever see it again. you will have to be a big girl. can you do that?"
"yes. i think i can give it a try." (honestly, her words.)

so we waited until daddy came home, then we rounded up the paci and we all went to the store.

ellie got her paci as soon as we walked in and it was in her mouth immediately. i wasn't sure this plan was going to work. we checked out some clothes while she had some time with it (and we tried on a couple of bras together, little lady of mine).

we hit the toy section next. she tried out a lot of toys but when she found the shopping cart that was it. she pushed it all over the aisles until i was convinced of her choice and then i told her she had to hand over the paci.
"time to say goodbye," i said.
she put it in my hand and waved. "goodbye!"
"now ellie, you are going to get this shopping cart and we are going to leave this paci here. you won't get to have it again, do you understand?"
"yeah. i don't need it anymore. i'm a big girl."

i wanted to break down and cry.

she rolled that cart right up to the register and right out the door. as we left i reminded her one more time, made sure it was her choice and made sure she knew that the paci was too far away for her to get it back. she was sure.

she hasn't been taking naps for a couple of months now and that's partly why i had figured it was finally time. the no naps transition sometimes makes her grumpy (understatement! she's slightly insane.) and last night was rough. she stayed up too late. she was too tired to get in her jammies, too tired to relax. we usually let her sit in her room with her lamp on and she's allowed to read or play quietly so long as she doesn't come out.

at first, when we put her to bed, she was mad. she yelled and told me she didn't want the shopping cart, she wanted the paci. she also threatened to stay up all night. she cried "it's too hard! i can't sleep!" we let her cool off then i went in to check on her. she had unloaded all the food around her on her bed and told me all the things that she had: pie crusts, crackers, noodles, milk, eggs, ice cream, etc.
"do you want to clear these things off so you can sleep? we can put them in the cart."
so she did. then, she climbed up in my lap.
"mommy, i can't sleep. i want my paci," she said calmly.
"i know, but we left it at target, remember? you picked this new toy. you're a big girl."
"mommy, i don't want to be a big girl anymore," she said sadly.

she was breaking my heart.

i reminded her of all the fun things she can do because she's a big girl - go to dance class, swing on the big swings, draw beautiful pictures. she still wasn't quite sure.
"how about i rock you for a minute until you fall asleep?"
she smiled and nodded. we turned off the lights and i rocked her, then rubbed her back under the glow-in-the-dark stars until she finally fell asleep.

paci, you were a reliable, loyal, helpful friend. you'll be missed.
we'll take good care of this little woman that you left behind.
she just keeps getting better. we love her so much.

finding their babies.

friends & family, 

i don't know how many people read this blog or how far my "reach" extends but i know i have friends and readers in several states across the country and i have to get this out there. i know that many of you are parents and this story is important to me. 

everyone has a different path to parenthood. some become parents by accident, some become parents very easily and effortlessly, and some become parents after years of struggle and sacrifice.

my friends brian & julie are some of the most generous and kind people i know. they are smart and witty and creative. and their path to parenthood has been one of struggle and sacrifice. they have decided to choose adoption and i couldn't be more excited for them. 

these days, you know someone who knows someone who has a friend and that's how adoptions happen. there's social media and there are blog posts like this one to help prospective parents along the way. 

if you know anybody or can spread the word to help my friends find their babies, please do it. you might not know it now, but you may hold the key to helping this family come together. the babies are out there and these parents are waiting for them with open arms and open hearts. they just need help finding each other. 

just keep them in mind and who knows what might happen? 

miracles, that's what might happen.

for more about them and links to their adoption profile, you can go here: 

julie & brian's blog post

also, you really can help them by doing what you already do! 

if you use amazon for shopping or have a kindle or whatever, you can buy the things you already would buy but a tiny bit of the money goes to help their adoption funds. just go to this link: 

simmons amazon

(in fact, just go ahead and bookmark it) and shop as usual. seriously, click on it! it doesn't look any different to you, does it? right?! but if you buy through this link you will be helping my friends become a the family of their dreams and you can feel even better about the new shoes or toys or books you just purchased. it's so easy. 

good luck to you, julie & brian. 

we can't wait to meet your babies.