thanks on a thursday.

today i have an ever-lengthening list of things that are driving me crazy; things that are making me feel not very thankful at all. here's all i will say: i am getting really tired of broken stuff. oh, and i'm out of my caffeinated diet beverages and i won't be getting more anytime soon. enough said.

so to take my mind off of that, i'll make a list of things that i am thankful for (and it's thursday and bloggers talk about being thankful on thursdays, right?).


i'm thankful that "elbow" (elmo) and "gabgab" (yo gabba gabba) are on netflix. i'm especially thankful that they put up nineteen new yo gabba gabba episodes this week and i'm not stuck watching the same 10 over and over anymore.

i'm thankful for great air conditioning. i don't know what i would do without it.

i'm thankful that pinterest can help me feel creative and organized and pretty and stylish and talented by living vicariously through others.

i'm thankful that my glucose test came back with good results. i was really afraid that i was going to have to give up sugar for three months and then, of course, take to my bed with grief.

i'm thankful that ellie's iron test was good, too. i've been trying really hard to get that girl to eat some good foods with not much success (read: at least three different kinds of food are thrown on the floor each day). luckily, she will let me mix baby cereal into her "apbahdah" (applesauce). i could give her nothing else all day and she would be happy.

on that note, i'm also thankful that ellie can eat with a spoon and fork pretty well. i don't think either of us would survive if she couldn't feed herself.

i'm thankful that judge hasn't tried to run away even though his fence has been broken for weeks. it is pretty low on our list of stuff to fix/replace right now.

i'm thankful that enough things work for me to make some delicious fresh bread. nothing makes me feel more accomplished or happy right now cutting into a warm loaf of homemade bread.

i am thankful for babies that take naps. i can't even tell you how thankful i am.

i'm thankful that we've had a few days of cooler weather. well, low-90s-cooler weather isn't much but it is definitely better. i've found myself staring longingly at my scarves and sweaters lately, knowing it will be a while yet. oh, and these pictures are of us celebrating the weather by actually going outside!

two-thirds.

well, saturday we hit the third trimester. that's right, 28 weeks down and twelve(ish) to go.

(by the way, can someone please explain to me how 40 weeks of gestation equals nine months of pregnancy? it just seems like a really unfair trick when you're the one that is bloated, fat and uncomfortable.)

i feel like poor little boo is getting gypped (hopefully there aren't any gypsies out there who read this blog and get offended). it seems like this pregnancy is flying by without a lot of fanfare and that is mostly because we have an ellie to entertain us and to keep us running (and i do mean that literally). i can't complain about the lack of excitement, because an uneventful pregnancy is never a bad thing. on the other hand, i'm pretty sure i'm the only one who has felt boo's little kicks so far. we're so excited to have her here and see what kind of little human we get, but when i'm trying to keep a rowdy 18-month-old from flinging herself out of a shopping cart i find that i'm doing a lot less baby-daydreaming than i did last time. 

boo, i'm sorry. we really do like you.

we just keep getting more and more personality from her. i think i mentioned that she did a complete flip during the 20 week ultrasound, right? at our appointment last week the nurse had a difficult time finding a heartbeat. we weren't concerned, though, because everyone could see her moving and she even kicked the wand with all her tiny might. whenever the nurse would get close and we'd get a few seconds of heartbeat, it would quickly fade away like a car passing on the highway. the nurse asked, "is she always like this?!" boo likes to wiggle, yes. ellie used to hold perfectly still until bedtime, then she'd give a few good kicks. it feels like boo is dancing ballet inside of me, sometimes pushing on so many different places that i start to think that there must be a second baby in there.

she has a crazy sweet tooth. i thought maybe she'd like the sour candies like i used to eat with ellie, but this girl likes it rich and sweet. i'm still eating golden grahams like crazy, along with any kind of chocolate i can get my hands on. she goes absolutely crazy when i drink diet root beer. we haven't been eating a lot of meat lately, but whenever i drive by a steakhouse or bbq place i can actually taste the food in my mouth. i'm getting to the point where i'm constantly hungry but, at the same time, i feel like there's no room for food inside me. it's one of the worst parts of being pregnant.

this pregnancy has been different in a lot of ways. i never really got swollen with ellie, but this time i'm swelling a little. i think the difference is the heat. the hot, hot heat. it's easy to keep from swelling in december and january, but august and september in the south? forget it. i'm also on my feet a lot more and that's a big contributor. i read somewhere that i should avoid any activity that keeps me from bending down past my knees at this point - ha! whoever said that didn't factor in a toddler. i think i spent more time bending down and squatting and sitting on the floor than i do standing. 

here we are. belly! and boobs. and bum. ugh. i'm not even kidding when i say that my pregnant behind is giving me nightmares. BUT! the frumpy mom bun hit the catwalk on three project runway models last week (one of them was a winner!), proving my theory even further that being frazzled and lazy is totally in right now.
(oh, and i cleaned my mirror since the last picture. nesting instincts are starting to kick in. unfortunately there isn't a whole lot i can do around here except scrub and scrub and rescrub.)

november will be here soon and it's going to be a big blur of baby and holidays and everything i love. i can't wait to see what color eyes she'll have, what her nose looks like... and can't wait to see ellie hold her and love her. last night she was giving my belly ("her sister") kisses. she doesn't even like to give kisses to daddy or me without some prodding. she's going to be a really great big sister (she just doesn't know it yet).

words are so much weaker than feelings, especially at a time like this.

funny though, because at the same time they still have so much power.

i had known the truth for hours last night but i didn't want to speak the words out loud. i thought if i held them inside myself, maybe i could make it untrue. out here i was the only one who knew it. if nobody else knew, it was like it didn't happen. for hours, i rolled the words around in my brain, not speaking them aloud and not knowing how to speak them.

as we crawled into bed, i cuddled up close to my husband and whispered: "while we were listening to our baby's heartbeart today, my friend was dying."

what can i say? we have so many words to express ourselves, but somehow there is no set of words that truly describes the feelings we have about the beauty and fragility of life and death.

lindsey was one of the most beautiful souls on this earth. in fact, i have been searching my brain trying to think of a time when she wasn't so flawless or wonderful, but i can't. i can't think of one instance when i was ever angry with her or even bothered by her. the only time that comes to mind was when i was fifteen and she told me that she was jealous of my skin, because i "never seemed to have any pimples." i remember being annoyed and thinking, "that's because i haven't hit puberty yet and i would gladly trade my skin for some curves, thank you very much."

she was like a character from a movie: impossibly positive, incredibly funny, endearing, smart, talented, quirky, lovable and, of course, downright gorgeous. i wouldn't believe it if i didn't know her myself -- and, i guarantee it, if you knew her you are better for it.   

 (one of my favorite things about lindsey is this: this face isn't just for the pictures. she made faces and posed like this and did silly voices for no reason at all.)

the world is a darker place today, but i know hundreds (if not thousands) of people will be working toward making it brighter because of her.

the craziest thing of all is that the world goes on spinning even after it has stopped for her. i still had doctors appointments and diapers to change and dinner to make today and it just seemed strange. it felt like there should be national headlines about her life and her fight.

if you're the praying kind, keep her family in your prayers. her husband especially needs them. they were married just a few months after we were. i can't imagine what it must be like to lose a spouse so young and after such a long, hard battle. i'm sure that they're still needing donations and there will definitely be a need for support for a long time to come, both for her family and for her foundation, living through laughter. 

so i'm asking this of you: 

every day, share your light and spread some laughter.

it's one of the easiest things you could ever do.

love you, linds. 

(pictures stolen from her website - go there!)

it's nine o'clock on a saturday...

okay, so it isn't really. but it is saturday.

after 18 months, i still don't know what to do with myself when everyone (even the dog!) is taking a nap. i could try to sleep, too, but everyone knows that something always happens when moms try to nap. the world collapses.

so, while they sleep, here are a couple of mish-mashed thoughts, since i have been a terrible blogger this week.

a.)

i've been feeling pretty fashion-forward lately, as my favorite "frumpy mom" hairdo has been pinned on pinterest as something hip and fresh. seriously, my hair looks like this (at least) 5/7 days of the week.

other people:

me:

(p.s. - are you pinning? are we friends on pinterest? you will notice that most of my pins are about sugary sweets, naturally.)

b.)

i have a new phone, so i have a new way to take pictures and video of a little girl at random. 

examples:

ellie leaving the house yesterday. she accessoried by herself, as usual. 

i was trying to catch her saying "no/neow" but she said "fries" instead.

i can also catch myself being a bad human. 

why yes, i can make anything healthy into something totally unhealthy!

my breakfast: greek yogurt. 

with bananas. 

and nutella. 

mmmmm. 

and that is a little of what we've been up to. riveting stuff, i know. 

25 goals.

birthday goals.

i realize that some of these goals are much more measurable than others.
some of them will require very specific actions to complete.
others will be more a constant, conscious effort to do things differently.

1. eat at least one green, leafyish thing per day.
2. be better at realizing when i'm in a "technology loop" and getting out of it immediately!
3. make better breakfasts for myself and for ellie.
4. finish at least one book a month (but let's shoot for two).
5. finally sew that bathrobe for myself before the baby comes.
6. make a quilt for baby boo.
7. print off more pictures and get a good start on an ellie book and a family book.
8. get organized with the bills and budget. 
9. get out of bed earlier (i want to say that i'll wake up at 4:45 with the husband but we all know that isn't happening). 
10. make more dates happen (we've been on like, two real dates since ellie was born).
11. participate in some kind of organized walk/run. i'm not committing to running, though.
12. spend more time reading with ellie (she likes to "read" to herself, but i need to read to her more).
13. drink more water. i go through phases where i drink a lot and then i don't. back to being a fish.
14. take the little family on at least three awesome, memory-making adventures.
15. pare down my closet and start only buying the things i really want/need (example: the perfect black jeans), not just what's on sale or cute at the time.
16. lose the baby weight (that would be by my next birthday, but within four months would be ideal).
17. eat more dinners at the table.
18. get back into keeping a real journal.
19.  reduce the sugar intake. bake healthier.
20. keep some plants alive.
21. do another money experiment like the one we did last year (where we only spent $100 for the whole week).
22. potty train ellie. eek.
23. keep my room cleaner, make my bed, etc. (somehow my room is the worst in the house, no matter how hard i try to keep ellie out).
24. be better about keeping in touch without the internet.
25. say and show my love and appreciation as often as possible.

i have some other, more personal goals to work on as well.
we'll see how this goes. i'm pretty bad with specific goals.
general goals - eh, sometimes.

25 years.

so far it has been a great day and it isn't even noon yet.

ellie decided she couldn't wait to say happy birthday and woke up very upset at two in the morning (which hasn't happened in months). she wouldn't go back to sleep without a long backrub and, since it isn't easy to lean over the crib with my giant tummy, she got in bed with us and went back to sleep between mommy and daddy (which also hasn't happened in months).

baby boo got in on the action, too.
i woke up thinking that during the night i had been transformed into one of these:

(found on google image search)

i already got my mabel and, last night, a spectacular new phone - the most technologically up to date phone i have ever owned - which i will be using soon. i just have to figure out how to get my old phone off autopay first so that we aren't stuck with two bills.

you may have already noticed my other wonderful gift on this screen. today is officially 99 days until d-day, which means i am in double digits on the baby countdown (of course, give or take a few days). i'm feeling the change into the third trimester already. i'm huffing around, i'm having to leave rooms because it is just so hot! aren't you hot?!, i'm getting more and more emotional by the minute... it goes on and on.

oh, and this is what i look like in the midsection (26 weeks tomorrow, if you're wondering):

i had been trying to be sneaky and not wear actual maternity clothes, but that just isn't cutting it anymore.






my friend nikki (who also takes really sweet pictures, by the way) had the great idea to make a goal for each year of life on her birthday.

so i'm totally copying that.
but not today. on monday i'll make my list, which gives me the weekend to think about it.
oh, and party.

25 little things i love.

so it's a quarter of a century for me tomorrow. yeah, i know, it's no big deal to some. 
let me just tell you that it is positively ancient to the kids i know. upon discussing ages, a friend mentioned she was turning thirty and one of the kids said "my grandma just turned ninety!" as if it was pretty much the same thing.

for some reason, i feel like i want more this birthday. more celebrating, more introspection, more gratitude, more "hello! it's my birthday!' than ever before.
i think being a mom has made me try to take as many of the "me!" moments as i can get, since most of the time it is "who needs what first?"

today i want to let you in on a list of the little things i've had on my mind lately, because the little things are what make up life.

25 little things i love:

1. perfectly toasted toast with perfectly melting butter.
2. clean, cool sheets after a long, hot day.
3. the way my wedding band fits on my finger like air.
4. finding the perfect music on a road trip.
5. having a conversation with my baby and forgetting how strange i must sound to other people.
6. organizing the food on my plate by how much i like it and taking the best bite last.
7. the way ellie shushes: with her finger up one nostril instead of on her lips. "ttthhhh! tyte!" (shhh! quiet!)
8. putting chocolate chips or marshmallows on my cold cereal, even if it is already sugary.
9. watching "murders" with husband and snuggling.
10. finishing a good book.
11. a truly flattering outfit.
12. listening to an interesting news story like this one. 
13. "taste-testing" baked goods. (then tasting more, just to be sure.)
14. getting at least one room in the house completely clean.
15. morning light.
16. touching feet with a husband (but touching feet with anybody else - not so much).
17. having an exact grocery list and remembering to get everything on it.
18. quiet and beautiful public places, like museums and libraries.
19. baby giggles.
20. that once-in-a-blue-moon moment when my hair looks exactly the way i wanted it to look.
21. a good conversation.
22. being able to really help someone.
23. sweater/scarf/boot weather.
24. naptime (!!!!).
25. feeling both old and young at the same time.

of course, there are so many more things. these were just on my mind today.

another thing i love, but also makes me the tiniest bit sad:

watching my daughter grow up.
and walk around in my shoes and jewelry.
and seeing how happy she is.

more tomorrow.