life for dummies.

this is my first real day off in a little while, so i'm warranted a couple of posts. right?


okay.


ever since i was a little kid i've always thought that there is some secret manual to life, one of those "for dummies" books, and that everyone but me must have one. some of the time, i still think that. i just don't understand how people know about all the procedures involved with riding the bus or how to make small talk in the walmart checkout line without some kind of instructions. how do people pick careers? how do they know what books to read? it just seems like everyone is really good at life and i'm really . . . not.
i'm one of those people who can't make a decent response to everyday greetings. i trip on my own feet regularly. i talk to myself. sometimes i have to really concentrate on remembering to close the fridge when i'm done. every day i wake up and make an effort to just do normal things - go to work, brush my teeth, talk on the phone. it's like i wasn't programmed for this.

another conspiracy theory i've imagined is that everyone can see what i'm thinking displayed on my forehead, like a cnn news feed. i've also thought that, possibly, i'm some sort of disabled but everyone in the world is involved in an elaborate charade to keep me thinking i'm just like everyone else. when i was eleven, i wrote a will because i thought i was going to die after reading the book bridge to teribithia . sometimes i worry about the day when everyone i know jumps out and says "surprise! we hate you and we've been pretending to like you all this time because we thought it would be THE BEST JOKE EVER. ha ha ha!"
i also worry that i'll wake up and everything will be a long, long dream.


is this possibly a disorder? i think it's a most likely disorder. at least i'm getting over the phase where i thought i had every disease i read about online.

except diabetes. i still think i have diabetes.
why else would i drink so much water and still be thirsty?!