the doldrums.

i think the first time i ever heard anything about the doldrums, it was when i read the phantom tollbooth as a kid. i remember the grey, sleepy feeling i got while reading it.

for me, the doldrums represent being both bored and anxious at the same time, as if there is something i have to do but i don't know what exactly that thing is or how to i am supposed to do it.

boy, am i ever in the doldrums in this pregnancy.

i think it could be mislabeled as nesting, because i have reorganized the hall closet and entertainment center and now i am going through ellie's clothes and the baby clothes and cleaning out their closet, too. every time i enter a room, my brain hones in on what needs a good scrub. yesterday i cleaned the laundry room and the day before that i washed some of the walls in the kitchen.

it sounds like nesting, yes. i'm preparing the house for a baby, right? no. i'm nervously doing tasks to keep myself busy while i wait for the real task: having a baby. i am not satisfied with any of the things i accomplish because i know that it wasn't "the" thing that needs to be accomplished. (well, then again, it might also be that everything that is clean today will be destroyed tomorrow... but that's another story.)

i'm getting to that point of no comfort. sitting is uncomfortable, but so is standing. trying to sleep? forget it. i'm not comfortable in any position. i am either squirming with a full bladder and running to the bathroom every five minutes or i'm dehydrated and a little dizzy, there is no middle ground. the other day i went to the bathroom, washed my hands, brushed my hair for a minute and almost forgot why i had originally come into the bathroom - and felt like i had to go again before i left.

so that's one reason i haven't been blogging much. i feel like i'm constantly tapping my fingers and waiting for the next big thing, but nothing is as big as the thing that is coming.

also, this has been going on:

ellie has been climbing on the chairs. constantly.

if i sit down at the computer and she's around she tries to climb on me and take over. she wants to sit at the computer or at the kitchen table just because she can. i have to put the chair by the computer away so she doesn't go nuts on my desk. she is also figuring out that she can push chairs up to the counter in the kitchen and get things down. luckily the rest of the house has carpet, so she can't move the chairs as easily - yet.

i'm glad i have her around to keep me entertained and stressed and constantly busy. she doesn't let me take a break. when i try to stretch out on the couch, she's there to sit on my ribcage or push my feet off onto the floor. "ta'mon, mama! wes go!" ("come on, mama! let's go!" - if you don't speak ellie.) she is being pretty helpful in her own way, though. she was so excited to go through the clothes for "da beebee" and she sleeps for at least 10 hours most nights, bless her heart.

maybe if i document some of the "not so big" things (like, anything that doesn't involve pushing a baby out), i'll keep myself going.

maybe you'll see some more posts out of me yet.