the fowlers live here

words are so much weaker than feelings, especially at a time like this.

funny though, because at the same time they still have so much power.

i had known the truth for hours last night but i didn't want to speak the words out loud. i thought if i held them inside myself, maybe i could make it untrue. out here i was the only one who knew it. if nobody else knew, it was like it didn't happen. for hours, i rolled the words around in my brain, not speaking them aloud and not knowing how to speak them.

as we crawled into bed, i cuddled up close to my husband and whispered: "while we were listening to our baby's heartbeart today, my friend was dying."

what can i say? we have so many words to express ourselves, but somehow there is no set of words that truly describes the feelings we have about the beauty and fragility of life and death.

lindsey was one of the most beautiful souls on this earth. in fact, i have been searching my brain trying to think of a time when she wasn't so flawless or wonderful, but i can't. i can't think of one instance when i was ever angry with her or even bothered by her. the only time that comes to mind was when i was fifteen and she told me that she was jealous of my skin, because i "never seemed to have any pimples." i remember being annoyed and thinking, "that's because i haven't hit puberty yet and i would gladly trade my skin for some curves, thank you very much."

she was like a character from a movie: impossibly positive, incredibly funny, endearing, smart, talented, quirky, lovable and, of course, downright gorgeous. i wouldn't believe it if i didn't know her myself -- and, i guarantee it, if you knew her you are better for it.   

 (one of my favorite things about lindsey is this: this face isn't just for the pictures. she made faces and posed like this and did silly voices for no reason at all.)

the world is a darker place today, but i know hundreds (if not thousands) of people will be working toward making it brighter because of her.

the craziest thing of all is that the world goes on spinning even after it has stopped for her. i still had doctors appointments and diapers to change and dinner to make today and it just seemed strange. it felt like there should be national headlines about her life and her fight.

if you're the praying kind, keep her family in your prayers. her husband especially needs them. they were married just a few months after we were. i can't imagine what it must be like to lose a spouse so young and after such a long, hard battle. i'm sure that they're still needing donations and there will definitely be a need for support for a long time to come, both for her family and for her foundation, living through laughter. 

so i'm asking this of you: 

every day, share your light and spread some laughter.

it's one of the easiest things you could ever do.

love you, linds. 

(pictures stolen from her website - go there!)